Compassion is often misunderstood as softness. In reality, it requires restraint.

I am an ordinary person. That means I sin knowingly and unknowingly. I have a mean streak too. The difference, I hope, is that I usually check myself before that meanness turns into cruelty or dehumanisation. A former boyfriend once told me I had no evil bone in my body. I disagreed. I think I do. It simply doesn’t surface unless necessary, and even then, I try to be careful.

Recently, an acquaintance and I were indirectly pulled into someone else’s mess. I’ve had time to analyse it and feel comfortable sharing the story without identifiable details. This is not to humiliate anyone, but to reflect on what compassion looks like when boundaries are tested.

For ease of reading, let’s call them Jason (my acquaintance), Claudia (a woman we both know), and Mark (another person central to the situation). I know all of them to some degree, but we are not friends.

Claudia is married and began a relationship with Mark. While it was described as clandestine, it wasn’t particularly discreet.. they were seen holding hands in public, and anyone observing them would assume they were a couple.

One day, Claudia told me she was pregnant with Mark’s baby and that she had terminated the pregnancy. Around that time, I had learned that Mark was also married. I shared this information with her not to judge her choices, but so she could make decisions with fuller knowledge (because of the abortion I was referring to whether she would continue this relationship). I assumed she might not know his status because I myself had only found out recently.

I left out other details I had heard, largely because Claudia was often spoken about unkindly by others. I don’t participate much in gossip, especially about people I don’t know well. However, the men who are acquainted with both me and Claudia would unanimously say she’s flirtatious and loves attention from men. They did not like this (found it slutty and an ick) but because it had nothing to do with me I just never said anything. With that being said, I don’t trust group narratives easily. Partly because intentions are rarely clear, and partly because many people are braver behind backs than they are face-to-face.

A couple of weeks later, Jason called me and said he had been told that Claudia might retaliate violently against him because she believed he was the source of the information I had shared. At that point, I could have lied and distanced myself from the situation. Instead, I chose to be honest. I admitted that I had mentioned his name, but never with the intention of causing harm or trouble.

The aftermath was predictable. Claudia became angry that people were talking about her. In retrospect, I think what I told her touched a nerve, not because it was cruel, but because it disrupted something she was trying to manage.

Personally, if I were doing something socially or morally complicated, I would be extremely private about it. I would see it as my business alone. Pregnancy, especially under such circumstances, involves deeply personal decisions. To share such information freely, inconsistently, and with different versions told to different people struck me as odd.

Later, after speaking with friends who didn’t know any of the individuals involved, someone asked a simple question:

How did Claudia know the baby was Mark’s and not her husband’s?

When Jason and I eventually compared notes, we realised the timelines and stories didn’t align. To me, she had said the pregnancy was terminated. To Jason, she had said she was still deciding. Given the inconsistencies, we began to suspect that she may not have been pregnant at all, but rather testing whether Mark’s feelings extended beyond physical intimacy.

Whether that interpretation is true ultimately doesn’t matter. What matters is what I learned.

Lessons on Compassion

– You don’t have to help everyone by looking out for them. Some people don’t want help. They want affirmation. If someone eagerly tells you their story, let them talk. Listening without intervention is sometimes the most compassionate response.

– Feelings are not always deep or durable. Attraction, desire, and validation can masquerade as sincerity. When someone wants access, whether emotional or physical, language becomes generous and promises inflate.

– Age, marriage, or parenthood do not automatically confer maturity. Responsibility can coexist with emotional impulsivity.

– Oversharing is not the same as honesty. Sometimes it is a way to control the narrative before questions arise.

– Not every inconsistency needs to be confronted. Some truths only require quiet acknowledgement and distance.

– Compassion does not require self-sacrifice. You can care about people without inserting yourself into their chaos.

– Discernment is not cruelty. Stepping back is sometimes the kindest thing you can do — for yourself and for others.

Compassion, I’ve learned, is not about fixing people or absorbing their turmoil. It is about recognising limits.. of knowledge, of responsibility, and of involvement, and choosing not to harden your heart even when you need to protect it.

Hope you don’t get entangled in other people’s messes. It’s exhausting and we could have used that time for better things.

I am also almost 40 so if I hear ‘drama’ such as unplanned pregnancies (it’s not easy for some folks my age to be pregnant!) I don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s shit you quietly fix. Unless you’re telling me you have issues regulating your emotions because you’re besotted with the guy. I’m not saying I conduct my life better than others (I truly don’t) but there are some things you must know about yourself by a certain age. E.g. whether you’re straight or LGBTQIA.. I am not cool with one night stands now so I don’t actively find dates on online apps where the chances of that occuring would be higher.

Some people are not looking for anything serious and are upfront about it but it doesn’t mean they will treat you unfairly. Some are more open minded and wouldn’t mind taking things further when they realise they enjoy the other person’s company and that their values align. Some, because of their upbringing (especially in Muslim households where sex outside of a marriage is forbidden), would appear to be genuine but all they want is just a quick and thoughtless no-strings-attached sexual encounter. You never know! People don’t always say what they mean and mean what they say! So pay attention to other non-verbal cues.

As for Claudia, I hope she finds peace. Some struggles are not meant to be processed socially, and whatever she is grappling with requires professional care rather than an audience.

This was he:

5 years ago today he died from heart failure. I was of course beyond devastated. Miss this little fella ❤️

Hug your furbabies! I know this may sound lame and probably should go on a t-shirt but here goes: to us they may be a part of our world but to these little guys we are their whole world.

ChatGPT came up with most of the lyrics. I changed the words a bit to sound more.. human. The style is Kpop but it’s Malay language. I think it’s one of my favourites!

Was somewhere near my friend’s house yesterday and she told me to come on down and shoot the breeze. I said OK.

I’ve known her probably for 20 years and her bf used to pick me up before we picked her up and then I would show them bachata moves I learnt in class. Haha what the hell!! I laugh when I think about these things!! I tried salsa but it was too fast for me so I switched to bachata which I enjoyed a lot.

Anyway!

Because we have been collecting common acquaintances over the years we would talk about them if we remember something. But hold up okay. I think I am usually direct when I talk. If I fucked up I would apologise. If I didn’t apologise it just meant I didn’t think I fucked up lah. So what I say behind your back I most likely am able to say to your face. If I don’t think I should say something I just don’t say it and take the high road. And I don’t stir shit regardless clockwise anticlockwise because I believe we are all doing our best and if others have flaws, we do, too so please don’t be a dick unnecessarily.

One guy we know used to post his fluxury goods (just means fake lux) on social media and we would giggle like morons when we took screenshots. I am sure I still have that one photo when he tried to prove the product was genuine.

Maybe you are not aware so as your big sis let me tell you when you buy and pay for genuine luxury (cough) products at the store they’re not gonna give you an ugly receipt (certainly not one with typos such as ‘signatued by’) or an ugly box or an ugly paper bag. Most of the time they will ask if you would like the standard paper bag they give out throughout the year or the seasonal one.. as a customer (oops, client) it’s up to you lah what you choose. And why would you pay thousands of dollars for something short of fantastic? I’m sure there are more difficult customers than I. I usually don’t take the box because I need to stuff it in my Adidas backpack hehe. Not gonna walk around carrying these brands’ paper bags! I think I’ve only taken boxes for wallets and evening bags.. otherwise no. Then you have stuff you buy for fun and personal use because they have absolutely no resale value. That’s another lesson for another day.

I am an ordinary person. I don’t really care for luxury products though I like a few nice things. I also like fonts, looking at brands (more like what they do at their maisons/houses but it’s really just for my entertainment). If I see your fake stuff I will screenshot and send to my friends so we can laugh then I will see you in a different light. What are you trying to prove? That you really cannot afford it? Or that you’re so rich you can buy replicas of a different grade? Eh never mind I see y’all’s boxes I also laugh la.. maybe the printer at Hermes spoilt eh? We can tell lah. I think one can still be classy by choosing a well-made product that is affordable.. that one enjoys wearing or using, instead of buying a fake version of something.

But whatever it is, do what makes you happy la eh.

I was just texting some friends back and forth and I was trying to be hesitant. So I used this emoji: 🫦

One of them replied with 👅👅 and I laughed out loud because it’s what they used to text me!! But they stopped when I got sexually assaulted by a stranger last year. I can laugh about it now but months ago I was like omg I don’t want to go out anymore.

Then another set of friends was sharing the songs they made on an AI app. I don’t really visit this group chat because I am friends with 2 of them and the rest are their friends they know from the internet. One of them I’ve known since before 2010. We used to karaoke. I had a lot of karaoke parties in my 20s. I did enjoy those a lot. I still karaoke now and then.

So I was intrigued by the AI app (my friend helped me make my first one) and I have now made 42 songs in the last 24 hours! I told them I’m about to cut an album. But it provided much needed comic relief because I think recently I’ve not been having such a great time. But! We pivot! We navigate. And we will come out the other side okay-er than when we first entered this funk.

I think next week I can share the story. For now I am unable to because we’re dealing with an unhinged person and God knows what they’ll do.

I love my friends and I am happy they love me back.. and front.

I am now obsessed with army stew. I ordered it yesterday for dinner. I used to eat that a lot with my baby cousin!! So the shopping centre near where I stay no longer has halal (😜) Korean. Wait. It does. It has the food court one. Oh yeah and 4fingers. And Jinjja. I don’t like the food court one cause it’s always watered down but still spicy la for my stomach. There’s some shopping arena near where I used to work with the watered down Korean food too. I would go to the food court though to get yong tau foo (my favourite!!). Then I would put thick bee hoon and choose tom yam soup and eat at my desk at work.

But the Jinjja army stew has tteokbokki.. 2 slices of luncheon.. maybe a hotdog.. yesterday for some reason it had beans… I don’t eat nuts or beans in general because I don’t like the taste or texture… though I am OK with hazelnut (noisette). I don’t think they have the beef version but I’ve never really looked carefully.

Anyway Michael if you are reading this please email me at myname.mydadsname@gmail.com I would like to talk to you.

I think that qualifies as comfort food for me. I like broths or clear soups. Like the drinkable type. The other time I was with L and we were having hot pot. We both like to sip on soups and broths. So it cannot be oily! Then she said when she used to live with a Malay woman the woman would make soup for them but she cooked with so much oil that L would just take some to put over her rice. She wouldn’t drink the soup. I could imagine. I like Malay food.

When I was a kid we went to Sumatra. I was maybe 8? So background is my mom was Javanese so whatever she cooked was Malay food by a Javanese woman haha! She once bought food with tempeh (the fermented soy) for me and I asked if I could give my boyfriend (non-Malay) cause I didn’t want to eat it before work and he was downstairs to take me to work. She said OK go for it. My bf ate everything including the tempeh. So after that when he called me (he lived in another country) they would speak on the phone lah. All because he ate tempeh and I didn’t. I don’t like it!!! Anyway if it sounds confusing. My former bf lived in another country. I was about to vacation in his country so he flew to Singapore to stay for a couple of days then we’d fly together to where he lived for Christmas. People always teased me he’s so white and pink and I just O_O and told them he’s a millionaire (he was and am sure still is) so they would shut up after they said you know how to find boyfriends. I don’t la! I just like to pick the ones with resources and who are foodies!! Cause I like to eat this and that.

So when we went to Sumatra I really liked the nasi goreng (fried rice) and I asked my mom why she never made it like that. It’s one of the reasons I don’t ever want children. It’s the shit they (including me!) say. My mom was shocked.. she’s like you know right Indonesian fried rice is kecap with kecap.. mine is with bumbu (spice mix). Now when I think back it reminds me of that Desperate Housewives episode where Bree Van de Kamp spent hours making ossobuco then her kids were telling her their friends had leftovers or those TV dinners.

I think food is food la. Whatever suits your fancy!

So I clipped some recipes. My cousin gave me hers for roti boyan. My cousin is the kind to cook her sambal for 4 hours. I can’t do that shit I think. Her food is always yummy. My birthday cake (same recipe since I was born) has always been made by her! A few days ago she said for Raya there will be rendang (I play cheat use the premix when I made that) and sambal goreng pengantin. It’s how we Malays (am pretty sure she is full Javanese though..) talk. Well how theyyy talk. I don’t talk like that. She’s basically saying my ass had better be there for Raya. I do go to my uncle’s house (my mom’s older brother) every year without fail but frankly since my dad died I am lazy to ‘celebrate’!! Hehe.

OK lah that’s all la for today I need to go downstairs to have some tea.

I am recruiting people (mostly my relatives) to come on vacation with me. I know it sounds sooo unlikely because I am mostly a solo traveler but two weeks ago I told my cousin and cousin-in-law the sweet spot for people like me is either alone or 3-4 pax. I am mostly YOLO. I am OK doing cheap or somewhat expensive but I just don’t like babysitting people’s asses and having to feel responsible for them. Those with anxiety are worse. (And I have anxiety sometimes but it never shows on my face!) My sister is 50-50 (told her she had to be there because if I died during the holiday she’d be around to still bring my body home in 56D.. (was a joke am sure they’d stick me in cargo) I don’t want to be cremated.. morbid I know but it’s how the Sagittarius live!). My 23 year old niece (actually in anglo they call this ‘first cousin once removed’) is game. We’re similar to each other. We sleep a lot. She has her doudou from when she was a baby which she brings on vacation… the doudou is no longer a doudou it’s just scraps of fabric by now. LET ME FIND A PICTURE.

There we go. Hahaha!!

I didn’t have a doudou growing up because my sleeping pattern was more about having a body (alive) beside me. It’s not the case now. I don’t mind my cats on me while I sleep. I have a few doudous now (I think after my dad died I was just lost so I hung on to my doudous for comfort when I went out).

They are the Monoprix ones! Let me find a photo to give you an idea. So Aurore gave me two for Christmas 2022. I flew with one in my suitcase and one on my person from Paris back home. I lost one in Don Meuang in 2023 which Chappy said in Malay, no less, it was already prostituted (dilacurkan).

I know it sounds bratty of me but this thing ‘just’ costs maybe €9.90 to €15.90 each and I didn’t want the taobao version. And it’s not easy to find in Monoprix stores. It’s made in China of course. Let me look. So last year S sent me 2 new ones via FedEx hahahah. Got to get the French la to buy. You ask any Asian to go Monoprix they’re always like where where which Monoprix. Paris one got? You’re there you lah look for it!

So anyway back to vacation. I think flying is the part I dislike the most. I try to break my flights into 2 legs because of because haahah. Some routes I just don’t like and there is no explanation for it. Example I prefer to go from Singapore to the Middle East then a 3-hour layover then fly to North America or Europe, rather than Singapore straight to Europe to N. America. I flew once to Paris 13 hours direct from Singapore. It was not fun. Then my French driver’s car battery died before he got to the airport to fetch me but I got to have a quick breakfast at CDG and shop a bit even got my phone sorted. The next time I flew to Paris someone asked if I had gotten a driver. I said I’d just take the taxi or Uber to my destination. Like whatever it was it would be €200 thereabouts. She’s like you’re crazy. So she got me a driver. I didn’t like him as much as I liked the first driver. But the second dude was more used to driving important men so he probably didn’t know what to do with a woman in a faux fur winter jacket.. plus I landed at night. It was €170.

Gulf airlines for me are better than my national carrier though my national carrier has a fresh smelling cabin. It smells sterilised. My friends lose their minds when I appear off grid but when you’re flying over restricted areas/territories I’m sure even biz class doesn’t get WiFi lah. I don’t understand them sometimes. You talk to me all the time! Let me go and vacation.

Aside from recipes I clip places I want to visit. There’s even a folder on my Google Drive for it. One of my relatives wants to do a train ride somewhere in Northern Europe but because of the Ukraine war that’s out of the question now. I haven’t found my dream vacation but I like very old cities, buildings, museums, bookstores, and trying new food so most of my holidays are planned around those. Nothing too strenuous. Nothing ever too serious.

I had rabbit in a restaurant about 40 miles southeast of France. Then people would ask did you eat snails did you eat snails. Pshh. I like snails even in Singapore.. but if you’re talking like the French style escargots with butter and a bit of parsley yes, those too. Both in a restaurant and I had some frozen ones from Franprix. Just popped them in the oven. The difference was minor. So maybe should have gotten them from Picard. Hehe.

One time I was having dinner in an Italian restaurant in France with friends and I said my drink was a virgin mojito. The restaurant gave me actual mojito and I said you need to change cause there’s alcohol in it. The guy was like you need it, darling.. so if God ever asks me this in future I will ask him to rewind the tape ar!!

I hated Chinese tea when I was a kid but on a trip to Shanghai they were coming out of winter and the weather was still very cold so when I drank that it was refreshing. I drink pu er now in Chinese restaurants.

Anyway I am telling you all these because apparently some people think I spend my time talking about them. I don’t. I have no interest in other people’s lives aside from my own.. my family’s.. my cousins’… my own friends’. I like celebrity gossip (but don’t care for Blake Lively drama) but I don’t like gossip about some random people I know. You’re not interesting! We are on earth for a limited time. I refuse to spend it thinking and talking about people I dislike. If I know any information about you it’s because people talk at and to me. Then I just hmm and haw la. But your shit isn’t something to write home about la. Get a life.

It’ll be a short one today. I am excited because they have Dodgeball (Ben Stiller) on Netflix so I will watch it before bed. I liked watching that in my late teens and 20s.

Today’s post title is ‘Pergi La Mampos’. That’s my mother tongue. Malay. It just means go and die. But I must emphasise on either the ‘gi’ or ‘la’ part of the phrase.

The other day while talking to someone I realised or believed more and more we just have to trust our bodies. If we don’t feel comfortable with the person there is no amount of cajoling ourselves we can do. I have always disliked this person but I thought okay maybe I was just being oversensitive. So I’ve never really talked to them. Sometimes they would tease me. I never found those instances funny though I recognised that was their attempt to also not dislike me so much. Frankly? I don’t really care. So when this person was talking to me I realised they should just pergi la mampos! cause one thing I dislike them already and the other thing is every time they talk I get irritated but thank God I am not related to them in any shape or form.

Some stuff don’t require much thinking la. Don’t like means don’t like la. Really don’t want you in my orbit I also don’t want to be in yours.

Move on! Vamos. Let’s go!

Am not big on people’s recommendations for books and movies but I indulged my sister’s for Materialists. I quite enjoyed it although I think they should have expanded on Lucy and John’s former relationship. But I like Dakota Johnson when she gives interviews. She is funny like her mom. My sister said the Pedro Pascal (ay Papi!!) character Harry doesn’t know how to love. Which I think isn’t that true because maybe his love language is gifts.. I think for myself while gifts are great I prefer someone I can talk to and be myself with without any (or little) judgment.

Of course I watched White Collar again and again! I would want to meet a real life version of Neal Caffrey. I am sure these people exist. Maybe not as good looking as Matt Bomer, but I’m sure they are interesting people nonetheless. I like when bad guys do bad things because of an itch they need to scratch..those people who scam solely for money.. ehh not so interesting.

I watched the latest episode of High Potential (something like a procedural show). This is the English language version. It was originally French. I think this show, while the premise is good, just lacks a punch. I still haven’t figured that out.

As a kid because my folks read and my sister also read I of course picked up the same habit. So as a kid (around 8 years old?) I liked Judy Blume books! I think only when I was an older teenager they had like series of books for young children WIDELY available. My secret actually is because I am cheapskate I don’t buy magazines on my own..I have a ‘broker’ who ships these and I just pay a fraction of what I would have paid if I shipped directly. Mainly because they ship in ‘bulk’. They’re not individuals. I have been doing this since I was a teenager! I don’t read newsstand magazines.

I stopped reading fiction in my 20s but this past year I tried it again and liked some.

I remember alllll the Judy Blume books I read as a kid. Apparently her most popular was Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. I read that maybe 4 times as a tween. Judy Blume is Jewish. I think a lot of the authors I read when I was a kid were Jewish, so because I paid attention I knew some of the traditions and food they wrote about. As this juncture I must caution please don’t bring politics into stuff.. if you’re upset with the Jews, don’t consume anyyyy media then. So I only found out maybe yesterday they had a movie adaptation of the book released in 2023. Rachel McAdams plays the mother. I love her work! It was a nice movie!! I am glad I watched it. Though the casting was a bit off. Cause in the book Gretchen (one of the minor characters and new friend of Margaret) is the daughter of a doctor so when you read the description in the book you would imagine her as very Jewish and a bitttt more sophisticated than her age (at least it’s what I would!). Just a bit. But the movie has her looking bookish.

In New York City there is a cafe (or appetiser store) I like called Russ & Daughters. My friend who was completing her Master in NYU brought me for brunch. We had some bagels with lox and matzo ball soup.

Have a great weekend. I hope you enjoyed reading this.

.. drivers are getting stupider and stupider the more I use the app.

Fuck Grab.