Compassion is often misunderstood as softness. In reality, it requires restraint.
I am an ordinary person. That means I sin knowingly and unknowingly. I have a mean streak too. The difference, I hope, is that I usually check myself before that meanness turns into cruelty or dehumanisation. A former boyfriend once told me I had no evil bone in my body. I disagreed. I think I do. It simply doesn’t surface unless necessary, and even then, I try to be careful.
Recently, an acquaintance and I were indirectly pulled into someone else’s mess. I’ve had time to analyse it and feel comfortable sharing the story without identifiable details. This is not to humiliate anyone, but to reflect on what compassion looks like when boundaries are tested.
For ease of reading, let’s call them Jason (my acquaintance), Claudia (a woman we both know), and Mark (another person central to the situation). I know all of them to some degree, but we are not friends.
Claudia is married and began a relationship with Mark. While it was described as clandestine, it wasn’t particularly discreet.. they were seen holding hands in public, and anyone observing them would assume they were a couple.
One day, Claudia told me she was pregnant with Mark’s baby and that she had terminated the pregnancy. Around that time, I had learned that Mark was also married. I shared this information with her not to judge her choices, but so she could make decisions with fuller knowledge (because of the abortion I was referring to whether she would continue this relationship). I assumed she might not know his status because I myself had only found out recently.
I left out other details I had heard, largely because Claudia was often spoken about unkindly by others. I don’t participate much in gossip, especially about people I don’t know well. However, the men who are acquainted with both me and Claudia would unanimously say she’s flirtatious and loves attention from men. They did not like this (found it slutty and an ick) but because it had nothing to do with me I just never said anything. With that being said, I don’t trust group narratives easily. Partly because intentions are rarely clear, and partly because many people are braver behind backs than they are face-to-face.
A couple of weeks later, Jason called me and said he had been told that Claudia might retaliate violently against him because she believed he was the source of the information I had shared. At that point, I could have lied and distanced myself from the situation. Instead, I chose to be honest. I admitted that I had mentioned his name, but never with the intention of causing harm or trouble.
The aftermath was predictable. Claudia became angry that people were talking about her. In retrospect, I think what I told her touched a nerve, not because it was cruel, but because it disrupted something she was trying to manage.
Personally, if I were doing something socially or morally complicated, I would be extremely private about it. I would see it as my business alone. Pregnancy, especially under such circumstances, involves deeply personal decisions. To share such information freely, inconsistently, and with different versions told to different people struck me as odd.
Later, after speaking with friends who didn’t know any of the individuals involved, someone asked a simple question:
How did Claudia know the baby was Mark’s and not her husband’s?
When Jason and I eventually compared notes, we realised the timelines and stories didn’t align. To me, she had said the pregnancy was terminated. To Jason, she had said she was still deciding. Given the inconsistencies, we began to suspect that she may not have been pregnant at all, but rather testing whether Mark’s feelings extended beyond physical intimacy.
Whether that interpretation is true ultimately doesn’t matter. What matters is what I learned.
Lessons on Compassion
– You don’t have to help everyone by looking out for them. Some people don’t want help. They want affirmation. If someone eagerly tells you their story, let them talk. Listening without intervention is sometimes the most compassionate response.
– Feelings are not always deep or durable. Attraction, desire, and validation can masquerade as sincerity. When someone wants access, whether emotional or physical, language becomes generous and promises inflate.
– Age, marriage, or parenthood do not automatically confer maturity. Responsibility can coexist with emotional impulsivity.
– Oversharing is not the same as honesty. Sometimes it is a way to control the narrative before questions arise.
– Not every inconsistency needs to be confronted. Some truths only require quiet acknowledgement and distance.
– Compassion does not require self-sacrifice. You can care about people without inserting yourself into their chaos.
– Discernment is not cruelty. Stepping back is sometimes the kindest thing you can do — for yourself and for others.
Compassion, I’ve learned, is not about fixing people or absorbing their turmoil. It is about recognising limits.. of knowledge, of responsibility, and of involvement, and choosing not to harden your heart even when you need to protect it.
Hope you don’t get entangled in other people’s messes. It’s exhausting and we could have used that time for better things.
I am also almost 40 so if I hear ‘drama’ such as unplanned pregnancies (it’s not easy for some folks my age to be pregnant!) I don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s shit you quietly fix. Unless you’re telling me you have issues regulating your emotions because you’re besotted with the guy. I’m not saying I conduct my life better than others (I truly don’t) but there are some things you must know about yourself by a certain age. E.g. whether you’re straight or LGBTQIA.. I am not cool with one night stands now so I don’t actively find dates on online apps where the chances of that occuring would be higher.
Some people are not looking for anything serious and are upfront about it but it doesn’t mean they will treat you unfairly. Some are more open minded and wouldn’t mind taking things further when they realise they enjoy the other person’s company and that their values align. Some, because of their upbringing (especially in Muslim households where sex outside of a marriage is forbidden), would appear to be genuine but all they want is just a quick and thoughtless no-strings-attached sexual encounter. You never know! People don’t always say what they mean and mean what they say! So pay attention to other non-verbal cues.
As for Claudia, I hope she finds peace. Some struggles are not meant to be processed socially, and whatever she is grappling with requires professional care rather than an audience.
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