Ali Wong’s Single Lady

You know, I think, women, when you’re in your twenties… I was like this when I was younger, okay? You tend to get very flattered, you tend to feel very special when a man is vulnerable with you, when he opens up to you about his trauma. [fake crying] “You know, Ali… when I was a little boy… my uncle, he…” I’m gonna stop you right there, okay? “Hey! Snap out of it, man! Snap out of it! Come on!” “Let’s keep it positive, let’s keep it sexy.” I’m here for orgasms and free oysters. That’s it, okay? But if you’re a kind six like me, these dudes, they don’t wanna just dick you down. In exchange, they want you to be their mommy-therapist. They call me up, and they’re like, “Ali, I am having the worst fucking day.” I’m like, “Well then, hang up the fucking phone.”“I don’t know why you think it’s acceptable to spread that shit to my day.” “I’m having a great time.” “I’m in my professionally interior decorated home that’s loaded with TOTO toilets.”