Went to my cousin’s house to eat noodles she made hahaha! I love it!!

I’m not sure if Erin Meyer still works in INSEAD but I started reading this book in maybe 2021 and never got around to finishing it. I had read the No Rules Rules (also by her) in 2024.

I am ⅓ of the way through.

Now I need to Google what the difference is between para and por in Spanish. If you know can you tell me? Thanks!

I love plants and flowers. Yesterday my sister and I went to Far East Flora at Clementi Road to look at some and we had hoped to bring some home.

Anyway, in the past I would go to Joan Road (Thomson). NTUC Fairprice everywhere (Singapore supermarket) usually has a selection of JM flowers for sale. While a bit pricier it’s still affordable. But because Clementi Road is easy for me to get to I think I will make more trips there instead.

Here is my small orchid for home. Each of us got a small bunch of flowers (roses for me, gerbera for my sister) and my sister also bought a cactus arrangement.

We then called it a night after a Korean dinner.

My sister’s cactus arrangement:

Have a good one y’all!

I am a day late but I would like to wish you a Happy New Year!

2025 was weird for me but I hope I will do better in 2026!

Chat soon.

This is my second go at this entry but let’s get one thing out of the way: I would like to wish you happy holidays! Hope you will get to spend it with your loved ones and that you will be giving and receiving amazing presents.

This blog entry has a lot of moving parts, so if you have recently gone through a challenging time I hope you will find some comfort. It has a lot to do with grief.

So the different parts:

– my parents and my relationship(s) with them prior to their deaths
– how their deaths affect (still do) me
– my personality and the way I manage difficulties
– things that happened out there in the world that compelled me to write this

I had a pretty solid relationship with my folks although with that kind of trust we placed on one another there was some enabling or co-dependence and a bit of toxicity (nothing like outright abuse or anything). While I spent a chunk of my 20s out and about learning about myself and the world, I made a lot of time getting to know my parents too. We would hang out in karaoke places, Starbucks, talk about the books we’re reading, TV shows we’re watching and digging. We talked about how they grew up, who they had beef with and gossiped about their relatives and family friends. I saw how they treated their relatives and close friends and I hope I can be a bit like that (highly unlikely but okay we can try).

Haha I have to pause a bit here. I have a girl cat (her name is Odette) and her spot has always been on top of my piano. Because S sent me a bunch of stationery and huge books in April, for months now they took up space on my piano. I finally cleared those and my girl cat is back on top of the piano looking all pleased! Hehe!

OK back to my story!

When my parents each died the pain I felt was more about not being able to make memories with them and missing them.

My mom died in 2018 and my dad died in 2022.

I am talking about it now because I never realised it. I only realised it quite recently and they’ve been dead years now.

I am single (by choice) and child free (by choice). I have been living alone after my dad passed away. I have two siblings who are married with children. Well, my sister no longer is as she lost her husband last year but her kids are still alive. Because we are the way we are, nobody is fighting for my parents’ house because it would mean I’d have to sell the house and move. And I hadn’t lived with them in a decade so no thanks for living even temporarily with them.

My personality is.. I prefer to do things privately. I don’t really wanna tell people stuff about what I’ve been up to. It’s not out of fear of judgment. I simply live in my own world. I see crying as a sign of weakness and an inability to manage emotions. I see weakness as something negative and wrong and you should schedule therapy for or find the root cause. I didn’t cry at either parent’s funeral. In fact I flew to Paris for work 2 days after my dad died. I worked (brought my helper to work!) 3 hours after my relatives left my house after my dad died in the morning. I didn’t understand why people were eager to come to my house to give me a hug and offer their condolences. I had my siblings deal with all that while I went to buy 12 pairs of underwear in case I didn’t have access to a laundromat in France.

Before my folks died I was always learning. I’d take sewing lessons. Baking lessons. Writing lessons. Floral arrangement lessons. Language lessons. All sorts of lessons! Anything except sports. I stopped. Perhaps the last class I went to was the basic counselling class which I enjoyed! Other than that I never went for lessons. I blamed it on workload (which was genuinely crazy). I hate the idea of working in an office now!

I also stopped cooking. When my mother was alive I would be granted some access to the kitchen to experiment recipes. I am an OK cook. I would make cakes and cookies and Malay puffs and food and even sent them to my family and friends. With my dad gone I had no reason to cook. It’s not financially sound, I told everyone.

So my life the past three years was about work, socialising (I don’t regret any of these moments but I think a huge part of this was to fill some void) and just making sure my cats were and are fed.

Break time. I need to put on some pants and get water!!

OK I am back.

One time about 2 weeks ago I woke up at 3am freezing because it was a cold, rainy night. I looked around me and I realised it’s not the way I wanted to live. I am stuck in the past. I don’t know if it sounds crazy but the way I am taking my parents’ deaths is as if one day they will come through the front door and I will see, touch, and talk to them again. So I am just waiting. Meanwhile life is just passing me by. And weeks before this, my next door neighbour, who had been going through a rough time herself, cooked in her kitchen for the first time in months. It smelt fabulous. And then I thought my house is really just a house. It’s no longer a home. I merely come home to sleep and shower and play with my cats. I don’t create anything. I don’t sew. I don’t cook. I don’t even watch TV. I don’t have people over. I think a part of me is very grateful I don’t have human children and a husband I have to be responsible for because I think it would be unfair to get just a husk of a mother or wife. I’m sure people can be understanding to a certain point. Also the point of this post is not to say I don’t do ANYTHING. I do lots of stuff. I am just stuck. Kate Beckinsale lost her stepdad and mother last and this year. I find that she is courageous enough to share her struggles, something I am always reluctant to do.

I would like to start cooking again hehe. I don’t care if it’s not financially sound.. or if I suddenly spent $30 on ingredients what I could get $15 dining out for. I liked whatever I made. I don’t have to do it every day.

I also need to figure out how to make my house a home.

I don’t have any advice or parting words for you… except that you will find joy again someday. It may be in a different form. Maybe you will have new rituals and traditions with new people. Don’t give up!

Lots of love,
Monnica

I am not an ice cream/sorbet/sherbet/gelato kind of person. Maybe I would eat a bit of ice cream with some cake. Yesterday Chappy took me to Birds of Paradise and got me a chocolate sorbet cone.

I told my cousin when she’s in town I’d bring her and she asked okay but where. I said Birds of Paradise. She thought I meant Bird Paradise.. which was what they renamed Jurong Bird Park (now located within the zoo at Mandai).

Now why would I go to Mandai which is located in the middle of nowhere to get sorbet?

Speaking of birds, whenever my siblings land somewhere or have arrived somewhere we would text ‘eagle has landed’. My response would always be ‘cuckoo bird’ or ‘bebird’ (what we call dick in Malay ‘slang’)

Please enjoy this picture:

May the videos never go public

About a month ago I made a trip to a petrol station to get food in the middle of the night. I have mentioned a few times I was OK eating anything but rhoo merde alors we sometimes have to retract what we say!

I eat rice all the time. White rice. If we want to be specific I eat hom mali rice (Thai jasmine rice). But if my rice will be spiced I prefer long grain or basmati. But I don’t like my rice squishy until I put a bit of gravy over (which I do all the time) but the rice on its own must be a bit dry but fluffy.

So I was eating. At one point of my meal I felt a grain of rice stuck in my throat. I kept drinking water and eating some more rice to push it down but those were unsuccessful attempts.. and I just finished eating and started drinking more water. Until! I barfed all over the entrance of the petrol station. I barfed worse than that girl we went drinking with (whose barf was orange because she had Super Ring haha!) and I kept barfing and barfing. I made two other people around the area barf too!

Anyway it was such a horrible episode. I stayed home the entire week after and felt nauseated every now and then.. but recently I went back to the petrol station to get some iced tea. I don’t have any explanation for this but I went in for 2 seconds and turned back around because I did not like the smell of the food! It just smelt nasty!! For months I had always eaten there. And it’s not cheap food! I think they keep unsold food in the fridge and then reheat for later. This is just my thought. It’s not 100% confirmed. Then yesterday while scrolling TikTok I saw some creator post about paying $400 for 2 trays of food and the photos looked so nasty! 🤢🤢🤢 I can’t find that TikTok now but I liked one comment where a person responded to one comment of course before anyone buys you say $400 can feed 200 pax later you accept the order then you say this can’t be done that can’t be done.. and I agree! Some people who run businesses without any knowledge of costing will promise you the entire universe! Then they réalisé shit does cost money and can’t fulfil the order.

So anyway. A boyfriend from a decade ago told me it’s normal to stop eating food we got sick from.. or the last food we ate before we got sick because we just don’t want to die! Haha!

But I had once eaten bad chicken rice in town and barfed all over Orchard Road but I still like and eat chicken rice so.. I guess it doesn’t apply to food we really enjoy?

My brother turned 40 today and I wished him 3 times. I will turn 40 in 2 years. Like he I was also born in the later part of the year. We are both Sagittarius but I think I’m more Sagittarius (am flaky as fuck)! But today he admitted he isn’t social either. I think it’s an old people thing. In my 20s I was hardly home but now I can’t stand looking at people and just want my pillow and cats. Anyway with a December birthday people do shit like combiné my birthday gift with my Christmas gift. I don’t mind though but why do you get 2 presents! I like presents when they’re thoughtful! I don’t care if it’s $2 or $2,000.

As a birthday treat to myself I bought a (single, satu, yi ge, uno) ticket to see the French impressionist painting exhibition in the National Gallery! Yay! The ticket costs only $10.50. I like Degas!! So I am excited about that. Just not sure when I will go. Maybe the 4th… because I have a job appointment. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t really want an office job.. it will bore me to pieces but because I don’t want to do anything else I need to find something to do. Why not play with Microsoft Word right and go soapmaking with colleagues 🤣🤣

So usually for my birthday I go to NOBU! Last year I didn’t. I had conjunctivitis. But. I went to the Ritz instead. And some friends brought me out for halal fine dining. It was meh? I think the one I like is called harumanis. I’m sure it’s spelt like that. They really mini brunoise the jicama! Even I don’t have that kind of knife skills. I like NOBU lots for some reason except for the desserts and how loud it is. I like the Black Cod in Miso.

But we shall see!